‘THROW OUT THE TIME-OUT’
By Claire Marketos
The “Supernanny” seems to have it all figured out. Place your unruly child in time-out every time she misbehaves, and in a week you have a well- behaved child, and happier parents. But is this behaviour modification helpful to children? The parents need for a well- behaved quiet child may have been met, but have the child’s needs been met? Or has she been coerced into submission?
Many psychologists today agree that merely managing your child’s behaviour does not deal with the reasons why she misbehaves. When a child throws a tantrum or is disobedient, she is trying to tell us that something is wrong. She does not have the vocabulary or constructs to explain how she is feeling, and so expresses herself in the only way she knows how.
Time-out then is administered at this moment when our children are trying to tell us what they require. Parents withdraw their love and ignore children when they most need to feel acknowledged and connected to their parents. They receive a clear message that their feelings are not important. When children act up it is usually because they are tired, frustrated, crave attention, or are reacting to tension and conflict in the home. Should they be punished for responding to their feelings?
Try to imagine the thoughts of an angry child who wants to spend time with Mom because she’s been at work all day, and has instead been sent to the ‘naughty chair’ because she won’t have her bath. She believes her parents no longer love her, and they don’t want to spend time with her. Children idolise their parents. By sending them away, they learn that expressing strong emotions makes us feel uncomfortable, and that it is better to repress their feelings. As they get older unexpressed feelings of anger and pain can lead to depression.
Taking the time to acknowledge distraught children, and reflecting their feelings with the same intensity they are expressing them, will make them stop, listen, and ultimately calm down.
While parents may sometimes feel the need for a time-out, putting children in time-out because we are feeling frustrated, tired, and angry makes our children feel the same way, as they mirror our feelings. They should not be punished for our inability to cope.
Taking time-out to de-stress, calm down and unwind while someone else cares for the children helps us to be there for them, gently holding them, trying to find the words to identify their feelings: “You are tired and don’t feel like a bath. Come sit with me and tell me about your day. We will bath after supper. It is alright to cry.”
Children whose needs are met and who feel heard do not throw tantrums; they are happy and compliant.
THE ‘TIME OUT’ CHAIR
Today I took my four-year-old into my lap.
This was his time-out.
Time to cuddle with mommy
And hear how much he means to me.
Not him sitting alone in a chair
Feeling as if everyone hates him.
I’m not the perfect parent.
I yell, throw things at my kids
And say mean stuff sometimes.
Today my kid was acting
Like what other people might call a brat
Kicking his brother
Knocking over toys
And yelling at the top of his lungs
To bug us all.
So I went over to him, lifted him up
And held him close, just us.
I told him he is special to me
He melted, tension flowed away
Centre of my world
He relaxed, aaaah…
After a few minutes
He jumped off my lap
And went to play quietly with his brother.
I watched in awe.
I finally listened to my insides
That said children need love
Not punishment.
To be the centre of one’s world
For just a few minutes
In the time-out chair.
Alaina Chapman, Dunster, BC, Canada*
*Used with permission
This article first appeared in the July 2008 issue of Your Child. All copyright hereto belongs to Alchemy Publishing (Pty) Ltd.