Dear Helena

Thank you for posting. I understand how frustrated you are feeling.

While your son may be genetically pre disposed to being "particular", or he could be very bright as bright children sometimes behave this way, it is likely that he learned this behaviour by watching you or dad; that means either you or your partner are like this. Or it is possible that either you or his dad were very "pedantic" about the way Thomas was dressed and fed when he was a baby, always doing things in a particular way.

Thomas has also learned that by being demanding and throwing tantrums he can take your attention away from his sister.

The downside of this type of behaviour is that as he grows older Thomas may internalise his "particular" thinking to himself, i.e. that he is not good enough and this could lead to feelings of anxiety and depression as we know no one is perfect.

Thomas is old enough now to dress and feed himself and you should tell him that you will no longer be doing it for him as you will be making his lunch, folding the laundry etc. Tell him however, that you will be there to help him out with the odd thing if he needs it. Initially he may not like the idea and may throw tantrums. Hold him gently when he does and acknowledge his feelings of frustration and anger but don't do it for him. Be patient

Give him lots of encouragement and praise no matter what he wears or how he feeds himself. Absolutely do not criticise him. The more creative he is the better. Help him to think 'out of the box' giving him different alternatives to dressing or eating if he becomes frustrated. As an incentive to get him started you may discuss getting him a treat after he has dressed himself 5 times. Avoid giving food as treats and treats should only be used initially. It is through mastery; learning to do things for himself that his self esteem is developed.

Smacking and using time-out will only make him more frustrated and angry the very thing you are trying to manage. Rather focus on encouraging creative play and thinking. 

Make a point that  both you and  dad spend one on one time with your daughter, even if you have to go out to do it, otherwise she will soon learn that in order to get attention she needs to be "particular" and throw tantrums.  

Be patient, encouraging, supportive, loving and creative as you help your son become independent.

Good luck and let me know how he is doing. Do not hesitate to contact me should you need more information.

Best wishes

Claire Marketos

Helena, When my daughter was 3 years old she was very particular about how she did things. She wanted to have enough time to finish what she did in her time at her pace and in her own way. Three years old is a natural time of seeking mastery. Your son seems focused on controlling you, rather than focused on mastering his environment.

Children often regress when there is a younger sibling. What you want to do is get him back on track developmentally, so he feels good about his growth and development. The most important thing for you to do is make sure he feels you are connected with him. Right now it sounds like your irritation may create more anxiety for him because you naturally want to keep a distance from the excessive demand and controlling behaviors he is displaying. He wants to make sure he is important to you. I would recommend that you focus directly on this connection by putting yourself in his shoes.

From his perspective, feeding and dressing is what he sees you do for his sister so he wants this for himself. I would recommend you tell him, “I know you see me feeding and dressing your sister so you want me to do this for you.” “But now that you are the older brother and 3 years old I was thinking you might like me to do more grown up things with you.” (Use excitement in your tone of voice). “You are getting to be such a big boy and there are things I could do with you that your sister is not old enough to do. Maybe you would like to play catch or play with your trains with me. I can EITHER spend my time feeding and dressing you OR I could spend my time playing catch with you.”

Give him appropriate control through choosing to have you dress and feed him or do “grown up things” like play catch (or whatever favorite “grown up” 3 year old activity he likes). If he picks dressing and feeding, do that and do not complain. Honor his choice. If he chooses playing catch, do that and then tell him how much fun you had with him. If your son chooses having you feed and dress him and then wants you to play catch, you have to tell him he can chose that next time. If he has a tantrum let him know that you understand his disappointment and that it is OK, he has a new choice later. “No worries mate”. Try not to judge him, just support his right to make the choice and make it clear that the he has option 1 or option 2.

As with all emotions, your emotions are contagious. If you are calm, he is likely to become calm more quickly. If you get upset, he is likely to become upset more quickly. Change takes a little practice but it is time well spent. Children love to have control over the choices they make. With this approach, you will be listening to what your son really wants, your time and attention and helping him learn the basics of problem solving strategies.

If you decide to try this approach, please let me know how it works.

Good Luck,

Sandra Dye

Dear Sandra

Thank you for posting and reminding us to give our children choices.

However, I believe it is always important to identify the feelings our children are trying to communicate to us and meet their needs, even if it may not be easy at the time. Children whose needs are met are generally happy and content.

Acknowledging feelings of anger and frustration in the moment as well as letting your children know you trust and believe in them even if they make mistakes creates a sense of being understood by the very people they love the most, their parents.

Best

Claire