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Posted By: Dudu
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9/30/2009 - 10:06:08 PM
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Hi Claire,
My divorce was finalised recently. The judge was in favour of shared residency. I don't know how to deal with this shared residency because it's going to affect my daughter (from a previous relationship). She goes to a lovely school which I would have loved my son to go to. I don't think my ex will agree to him going there as well - which means on the days I have my son over, her routine is messed up. At the moment, I'm able to pick her up from school around 1pm and drop her off home. I'm so scared that she's going to be even more upset - she's still dealing with "daddy" leaving and always asks why he never comes to fetch her when he fetches her brother. She just turned 5yrs old so doesn't really understand everything. What really upset me is that the judge based her decision on the psychologist's recommendation because the Family Advocate don't have the expertise to make such decisions! And yet this psychologist didn't consider the practicalities of the situation - when I do pick up my daughter and leave my son (when he's over at his dad's), how do I explain to him that I'm leaving him because his father is coming later? I'm so scared for my children....
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Posted By: Roger Muir
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10/8/2009 - 2:31:52 PM
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Claire, I appreciate all your efforts and energies in sending aid and support to so many families going through these difficult times, however you're way to relaxed on the impact divorce has on it's children. To encounter simple discomforts and outbreaks would be a blessing but that's just not the reality. Current national studies show that the impacts of a fatherless home are absolutely devastating. U.S. national statistics show that 90% of all homeless and runaway children come from fatherless homes, 85% of all youth sitting in prison come from fatherless homes, 85% of children with behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes,80% of all rapists come from fatherless homes, 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes, 71% of all high school drop-outs come from fatherless homes, 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes, 63% of youth suicides are committed by children of fatherless homes. This problem is way more then anger management and when it comes to making the decision Divorce vs. Conflict in the Home, I think parents need to really be cautious. You may not be trading your spouse in for peace and quiet, instead you may be inviting drugs, hospital beds, prison visits and the unthinkable casket - for your dearest family members. If there's any possible way, keep your family together. - Roger T. Muir
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Posted By:
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10/14/2009 - 10:20:55 PM
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Dear Roger
Thank you for the statistics and comments.
I do not take divorce lightly and have worked with many children in pain. I have tried in this article to give parents the tools to make the transition of divorce as gentle as possible for the child and meet the child's needs moving forward.
What you have highlighted is the lack of involvement and responsibility of fathers in their children's life. This unfortunately happens whether men are married or divorced and is a crisis in our society. Education- teaching our son's how to be good fathers and creating social responsibility that we can be role models for our young boys even if they aren't our children is key, not staying in a marriage at all costs. Boys watching their mother's being abused by their fathers or visa versa are no better off.
Best wishes
Claire
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Posted By: Claire
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10/14/2009 - 10:43:00 PM
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Dear Dudu
Thank you for your comments. I apologise for the delay in getting back to you.
Unfortunately as you highlighted the decisions made by the court have not considered the needs of both children.
Is there any reason why your daughter can't go and visit your ex when your son goes. She does refer to him as 'daddy' and is missing him?
I suggest you meet with your ex over coffee without the children and come up with your own plan that is best suited for the children. It will require you putting your feelings aside and speak for your children. Arrange for them to visit their father together. Discuss more practical pick up and drop off arrangements and be open to their father possibly taking them to school or picking them up, as well as having them both at the same school.
If you are unable to come up with a plan that meets the needs of the children together, meet with a mediator.
The two of you also need to sit down with your children once you have devised a plan and discuss it with them. Allow them to express their feelings and needs. Your daughter should still be able to have a relationship with your ex and this needs to be encouraged. At this stage she is going through multiple losses and could be blaming herself for her 'dad' not seeing her and this will impact her self esteem.
Please let me know if I can be of further help.
Best wishes
Claire
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Posted By: Claire
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2/1/2010 - 9:54:18 AM
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Dear GT
Thank you for posting on our forum. I am sorry you have had to fight so hard to spend equal time with your children and I applaud you for doing so.
As you will see from the two articles on divorce that I have on my website titled 'Meeting the needs of children in divorce' and 'Divorce and children,' my primary concern is the well being of the children and minimising the negative effects of the transition of divorce. if you are able to spend equal time with the children in such a way that it does not create confusion, anxiety and stress for them, then you are making the transition of divorce easier for them because as you stated children do need both of their parents.
Good luck and let us know how you are all doing.
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Posted By: GT
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2/1/2010 - 10:05:17 AM
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Hi Claire
I truly agree in what Rodger has to say. To me it is the general opinion the the father's are the cause of the breakup of the divorce and the bad outcome of the effects upon the children.
It has been proven that majority of fathers want to be equally involved with there children during and after the divorce. It is a known fact that the mother's of the children use the children as a tool to get back at the ex by preventing the father from seeing the children or as much as he desires, also the wish of children.
The children are also used as a tool for maintenance.
It has been also proven that equal physical access for both parents, the children grow up to be better children and far less problematic children.
Parents are against equal physical access saying it is disruptive as an excuse. Remember children are more adaptive than what we want to except.
I have personally experienced this as I have had a divorce dispute requesting equal access for the past 2 years during my ongoing divorce.
My wife was the one who the cause of the breakdown of the marriage.
In the last year I forced equal access in which the STBX was unable to prevent and in the past has attempted all ways in preventing in me of spending equal time with my children with the help of the previous daycare and her future new in laws.
Since then it has been indicated by the children that they prefer the one week basis at each parent's home.
The psychologist and the child advocate have both recommended equal physical access regardless the animosity between both parents as the children should not be deprived from either parent. To get to this stage it has cost me hundreds of thousands of rands to prove that equal physical access is for the best interests of my children.
It is very easy said to put ones animosity aside especially if you have given your heart and sole to your partner and children and then it attempted to be taken away from you.It takes a fair amount of time to heal even though you have accepted the situation. NO DIVORCE IS LEFT WITHOUT ANY SCARES OR EFFECTS UPON THE CHILDREN.
In today's world there is no morel or christian values left anymore.
I can truly say that I can thank GOD that he has looked out for me and been there for me when in need.
Best wishes
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Posted By: GT
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2/2/2010 - 10:52:01 AM
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Hi Claire
I truly agree in what Rodger has to say. To me it is the general opinion the the father's are the cause of the breakup of the divorce and the bad outcome of the effects upon the children.
It has been proven that majority of fathers want to be equally involved with there children during and after the divorce. It is a known fact that the mother's of the children use the children as a tool to get back at the ex by preventing the father from seeing the children or as much as he desires, also the wish of children.
The children are also used as a tool for maintenance.
It has been also proven that equal physical access for both parents, the children grow up to be better children and far less problematic children.
Parents are against equal physical access saying it is disruptive as an excuse. Remember children are more adaptive than what we want to except.
I have personally experienced this as I have had a divorce dispute requesting equal access for the past 2 years during my ongoing divorce.
My wife was the one who the cause of the breakdown of the marriage.
In the last year I forced equal access in which the STBX was unable to prevent and in the past has attempted all ways in preventing in me of spending equal time with my children with the help of the previous daycare and her future new in laws.
Since then it has been indicated by the children that they prefer the one week basis at each parent's home.
The psychologist and the child advocate have both recommended equal physical access regardless the animosity between both parents as the children should not be deprived from either parent. To get to this stage it has cost me hundreds of thousands of rands to prove that equal physical access is for the best interests of my children.
It is very easy said to put ones animosity aside especially if you have given your heart and sole to your partner and children and then it attempted to be taken away from you.It takes a fair amount of time to heal even though you have accepted the situation. NO DIVORCE IS LEFT WITHOUT ANY SCARES OR EFFECTS UPON THE CHILDREN.
In today's world there is no morel or christian values left anymore.
I can truly say that I can thank GOD that he has looked out for me and been there for me when in need.
Best wishes
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Posted By: Loshni
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7/10/2010 - 1:47:57 AM
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Dear Claire
I work in a province away from my children. They were based with me, but I took the decision to move them back to their father who is based in a city, after they experienced difficulties adjusting to the schools in the area. Twelve months later, we are divorcing. My husband is presenting with extremely frustrating behaviour and is negatively influencing my two younger children. I am very concerned about this and wonder what legal or social service recourse is available.
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Posted By: Claire
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8/29/2010 - 9:40:13 PM
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Dear Loshni
I apologise for the delay in getting back to you. I applaud you for making the decision to allow your children to stay with their father so they can be happy at school.
Your children have the right to love both you and their father as you are both a part of them. Your children should not have to listen to negative comments about you or their dad or have to choose between their parents. I would recommend you visit your nearest FAMSA branch and set up mediation for you and your husband to negotiate the divorce. I would aslo recommend play therapy for the children with a professional child psychologist, to provide the children the support they need and help advise you and your husband on how best to help the
children.
Good luck and let me know how you all are doing.
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