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Dear Michael
As this child spends most of the night in his own bed, I believe he will eventually spend the entire night sleeping alone. However, he is still needing to attach to his parents who work all day, and spending a few hours with them before they wake up gives him this opportunity. That is different to a child who climbs into bed with his parents at bedtime and in that situation I agree with some of what you say.
Regards
Claire
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Perhaps the child has separation issues, so spend time with him before bed time. Perhaps it is the parent/parents who are having marital issues, children pick up on this intuitively and want their parents to stay together. Sometimes it is a mother who is lonely and wants her child there with her. Sometimes it is a parent who wants to avoid intimacy with the spouse. None of this is healthy, while it happens often. Children need to be in their own rooms. They need their own sanctuary, a place to self soothe. What are they being taught by never being alone? I would advise to make a routine where the parents spend quality time with the child in his room before bed, keeping him in his own room. Then three things happen, everybody connects, the child learns to self soothe and the parents get time to connect with each other.
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I think the whole issue of kids in the bed really needs to be addressed on a case to case basis. For our family, awwww jeez do I even want to go here? Yes, you bet your bedsheets I do. My husband worked the graveyard shift and we lived in a really big house in the city when our kids were young. I was always worried that someone might break into our basement and I would not hear it. I kept the kids with me in bed during those early years. Later, when we needed our "mommy daddy naps" as we affectionately referred to our time alone, the kids were totally cool with respecting that. Forever, though, our house has been a case of musical beds. All kinds of reasons for this. Late work schedules and an inability to sleep on the part of my hubby. Sick children. And lots of "camp outs" in our living room with blankies and pillows piled to the sky watching reruns of rugrats etc. Later, as they grew, and especially in the teen years when they would be awake until two and we were both sound asleep, one or the other kids would eventually plop down on our bed and need to "talk". We came front and center at those times because we wanted to send the message the home is your safe landing. Anytime, we made it a rule to be available if they expressed a need to be cuddled with us and talk. I can't say we had some "family bed" philosphy that we were consciously trying to create or make a statement about. It just happened very organically. To this day, when the guys come spend the weekend...like just last night...our youngest came home to join his daddy for early morning golf. While they wanted to stay up and talk about drivers, I needed to go to sleep. So the decision was made that the two of them would sleep together and not bug me. They got up this am and did their father son routine and as I type this, are out havin the time of their lives. I was grateful they were not in my bed last night. On the flip side, sometimes they come here late at night and see daddy asleep in another room cause he got home late and while winding down fell asleep there. So they crawl in with whomever has the best supply of pillows and blankies. Plus, they always know that no matter where they plop down there will be an early morning back scratch awaitin.
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Love your website..will visit often. And really appreciated the sensitivity with which you handled that question. Refreshing!
And to just comment on what Michael said about peer ridicule. Oh contrare...the local kids just loved the way we all pig piled as a family. They still do and our garage (read mulit-use room) has become the coveted sleep over room for all the starving students that drag themselves over to our house. Seriously, kids just love love.
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