Dear Claire I am so happy to be one of the parents who is lucky to get your advice. I am a mother of 3 boys, 5yr, 3yr and 3 month old. I was a high school teacher for 12 years. I have  found out that it is easier for me to communicate with older kids than younger ones and this frustrates me because I cannot be absent in their lives and wait  until they are older.  My middle one is so problematic but to my surprise everyone, even  visitors at my house end up falling in love with him. It was so unfortunate for him that when I brought the baby home from the hospital he had flu and I was advised by the doctor not to bring him near the baby which was so difficult. They were so happy and anxiously waiting for the baby to arrive when I was pregnant. I try  to let them spend time with the baby and sometimes with me alone so that they do not feel that the baby has taken their place, but the middle one is the one who makes the baby cry all the time. We always let  the older one carry and sing to the baby and I do not like it as I want to trust and let them both play with their little brother. It is difficult for me to talk sense to him. Unlike his big brother he always wants things to go his way and tries to make his elder brother miserable at times. I know that as much as I want to be a better parent I cannot be perfect. I sometimes find myself shouting or smacking my babies especially the middle one and realise  later that I shouldn't have done that. I do not stay with my husband for now as he found a job and also we are about to relocate but I think that also has an impact on our way of communicating as they miss their daddy so much. I try and ignore what they do sometimes because I can see it is done to spite me. I would like to know what I can do to punish rather than smacking because at school they say he is very sweet but I see a brat maybe I have a problem. I would love to be a great mother. What also confuses me is that he always refers to me as "My Mummy" when I expect him to resent me. Please help before I destroy my babies as that is the last thing I wish for my kids. Concerned parent

Thank you for your email. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with 3 young children and your husband being away. Your 3 year old is crying out for attention from you and senses that you view him as a "brat". I always discourage labelling children as they tend to live the labels they are given. Children are extremely perceptive and he is acting out because he knows you respond differently to him than his older brother. You are comparing a 5 year old with a 3 year old, and there is a vast difference in what they are able to do especially with a young baby. Instead of separating your children let them both help look after the baby and gently manage and supervise them. Your 3 year old could be responsible for picking the toys, clothes the  baby will wear. Let him hold the baby while sitting on the couch next to you and so on.  Your son is not deliberately trying to upset you and you can turn this around by doing a couple of things.  Firstly you need to change the recording you have of your 3 year old in your head. Make a list of all his positive traits. He is cute, clever, able to run fast etc. Focus on these and tell him. Stop yourself from comparing your children and re- evaluate your expectations of your children. Secondly you need someone to help you care for your children so you can take some time out and de-stress. Ask a friend or relative to pop in for an hour a day so you can take time out and do something you enjoy which fills your soul while they care for your children. Then you need to arrange for your children to see their father as soon as possible. Change and uncertainty can make children feel very insecure. Your sons need their dad and once you are back with him encourage dad to be as involved as possible in their life. Make a point of taking your 3 year old on a date where you and him do something fun together that he is able to choose. Parents should have individual dates with each of their children at least once a month. In addition spend ten minutes with each child holding them on your lap and telling them how special they are to you and how much you love them. If you feel as though  you want to 'destroy' or hit your children speak to your family doctor or a counsellor. Your children don't need punishment. The next time your 3 year old is acting out take him onto your lap and tell him you understand he is angry and frustrated and would like to help him. Maybe you could do an angry dance with him. When he knows you understand him and are sensitive to his needs, he will calm down.        Good luck. let me know how you all are doing.