Thank you for your email. I understand how concerned you are about your son.
Being shy does not mean that there is something wrong with your son. It may be the way he is and you may have to accept him for who he is. Shyness is usually genetic and you will probably find that you or your husband or members of your family were probably the same as children. Some children prefer to observe than be actively involved, and prefer their own company. He is also probably clinging to you because he needs to attach to you after being separated from you all day. If he appears to be happy and the teachers at school say he is contented then the best way to help him feel more confident is to adapt your parenting style to meet his needs.
He needs to feel safe and secure and attached to you in order to gain the confidence to try new things. Spend as much time with him as you can bonding with him and reassuring him that you love and accept him for who he is. If he wants to spend an entire party sitting on your lap then let him sit with you and observe. Try not to make him feel different to other children by focusing on how shy he is and how you would like him to be more outgoing. Focus on his strengths, building his self esteem and making him feel good about himself.
If you find it very difficult to accept his shyness then I would recommend you make an appointment to see me so we can discuss your feelings.
Hi Claire
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it.
Generally as a child and now a Mom I was and am an extrovert. My husband on the other hand was identical to my son-Shy, introvert, etc.
He will NOT allow my son to be like him. He constantly tells me this . He was a loner and as he grew up people perceived him as being snobbish and not friendly. I can see where he is coming from when he says he does NOT want our son to be like him.
My 2 daughters on the other hand are extremely social and extroverts. They love people, will talk and greet anyone, they makes friends easily etc.
It’s difficult seeing my son like this.
What do you suggest?
While your son has some of his fathers genes it does not mean his life experiences will be the same. He is his own person and his experiences will be unique. Part of what attracted you to your husband is the fact that he is different to you. Your husband will never be an extrovert no matter what you do, as you will never be an introvert, as that is not who you are. In the same way your son has a shy temperament, and you cannot make him an extrovert, no matter what you do. Putting pressure on him to be someone he isn’t will cause him to feel bad about himself, affecting his self esteem and his confidence to try new things.
Research shows that parents who are sensitive to their child’s temperament can help shy children to adapt to their environment. It is essential that you take all the pressure off your son to be different and focus on his strengths, building up his self esteem so he feels good about himself, safe and secure in the knowledge that you love him as he is. He also needs to feel securely attached to you which you can encourage by giving him lots of positive attention. With your love and support, he will gain more confidence and may begin trying new things and opening up socially.
I can help you and your husband to work on this. Please contact me for an appointment at 083 457 3667.