Hi Claire   I'm wondering what are the signs and symptoms of post natal depression? My baby is almost 5 months now but when I first found out that I was pregnant I wasn't very happy about it (she wasn't planned). Since she was born I have loved her more than anything in the world and now cannot imagine life without her. It's just that some days I feel so overwhelmed that I just can't keep going. I don't have suicidal thoughts or anything that serious, I just feel like I don't know what to do with her anymore (if that makes sense). Some days are great (she is a very easy baby), but everyday I'm just sinking a little further. When she cries sometimes I don't know what to do about it and my husband will just sit there like he doesn't hear anything and doesn't offer his help. He says that in the past when he has helped I complained he isn't doing it right. (I just want what is best for our baby)   I'm still studying and working part time in the afternoons with children which uses up a lot of my patience. I do almost everything for my husband- cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He does do some things around the house and he goes to work, but I just feel he is not (and has never) pulled his own weight. Now the baby is here he loves her to bits but his spending habits and living habits have not really changed.   We fight on a weekly basis because he doesn't help me enough. I've asked him to just play with my baby and bath her and then maybe help me with dishes. I'm up at 6:AM to feed the baby and make his lunch for work. I look after the baby all morning (my mum looks after her in afternoon while I'm at work) and then from 5:PM when I get home from work the bedtime routine begins and I make supper as well. He says that I never give him sex! and that is why he has become distant and spends our precious little money on his computer games. By the time I get into bed I just don't feel like sex and I feel that he has done so little to help me through the day why should I help him! I also feel unloved and not sexy anymore.   Could I have post natal depression- How can I tell? What should I do about it and do you think my husband and I need counselling? We don't have much money so counselling would really put a strain on things and I don't have medical aid to see the doctor about the PND.

Thank you for your email. I understand that you are feeling alone and unloved. While you may be suffering from post natal depression or depression, it is not something you should try to diagnose yourself. It is essential that you do visit your family doctor or a clinic in your area for a proper diagnosis. Speak to your doctor if financially you are unable to pay the entire bill, but it is imperative that you see a doctor as soon as possible.  You can find the symptoms and more information about PND on the post natal depression support group at www.pndsa.co.za.   In the meantime it is important that you begin meeting some of your needs by surrounding yourself with support, taking time out to do something you enjoy that gives you energy, and by asking for what you need. Arrange for you and your husband to go out for dinner soon while your mom baby-sits little one and tell your husband how you are feeling, (overwhelmed, unloved, alone, unsupported) and ask him for what you need. Be very specific about what you need. “I need you to make your own lunch and breakfast in the morning. I need you to help me with our daughter and supper in the evenings because I need to feel that we are raising our baby together, and I need to feel close to you.” Explain that when he helps you it makes you feel loved and closer to him. Tell him that you need to take time-out for yourself to re-energise yourself, and you need him to help baby-sit.   If he is prepared to help then do not criticize him for the way he does things. Dads do things differently to moms, but their touch is as important for baby. Take a break and lie down while he takes care of things, or do things together, whatever you find easiest.   Speak to your mom, other family members, a priest, friends you feel comfortable with about your feelings. Accept any help they may suggest. Your mom may be willing to spend time with you in the mornings. Ask friends and relatives you trust to help baby-sit little one so you can go to the library for an hour or two to study, or to allow you to nap. Sleep deprivation can also compound feelings of depression. Join a moms and babes group where you can meet other moms who may be feeling the same way you do. Get out of the house every morning even if it’s to walk in a park or at a mall. Baby will be stimulated and you will get a break from your household duties. You could plan a fun activity for you and your baby every morning, such as meeting a friend with a baby for water play. Visiting the animals at the local nursery. Visiting granny for tea. Do your activity before you tackle your household chores. At this point your main focus has to be your well being and your child’s well being. Chores should come last. Your husband may even do some of the chores if they are not done for him.   There are quite a few mommy forums online where you can also meet and chat to other moms, make use of them. My forum should be up and running soon. Life line also provides free telephone counseling, and couple counseling would be a good idea as it is a forum for you to express how you are feeling. Life line  does couple counseling and you pay what you can afford. FAMSA also offers couple counseling. You will find the numbers for both organizations on my resources and links page. I hope this advice helps you while you make an appointment to see your doctor. Please let me know what his/her diagnosis is. If you need any further advice or just need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to contact me.