Thank you for your email. I apologise about the delay in getting back to you.
I understand your frustration when dealing with your sons. Being a stay at home mom, your children have become your main focus, and as a result when they misbehave or disappoint you, you feel like a failure as a mom. It is important to acknowledge that most of what you are experiencing loud noise, rough and tumble games, as well as a teenager who has to adjust to the demands of high school, are all part of normal childhood development, and that while it is important to keep your children safe and guide them, it is also necessary sometimes for them to experience failure, so that they can learn from these experiences.
I will give you some guidelines for dealing with your sons, but I would like you to take some time out from them so you can de-stress and revitalise yourself, so that you do not feel like leaving home. Obviously arrange for someone to watch them while you take time for yourself. When we become mothers we tend to push aside all our other interests as we put all our energy and passion into raising our children. However, to really give to our children without feeling resentment it is important that we nurture ourselves, spending time pursuing interests that we are passionate about and which give us energy and pleasure. I would also advise you to find a confidant a priest, psychologist, doctor, friend you can talk openly to about your feelings.
When dealing with your sons try not to take their actions and behaviour personally. Remember that their behaviour is common for boys their age. You can chat to your 5 year old son about having an indoor and outdoor voice. When we are outside we use our outdoor voice which can be loud, but when we are indoors we use our quieter voice. Remind him when he becomes too loud in the house and give him the option of continuing his game outside. He is probably getting carried away in his game and doesn't realise how loud he is. Another option may be for you to go to a quieter room and de-stress when he is loud. When talking to children it is essential that you make eye contact and be clear and assertive in stating exactly what it is you want them to do. Avoid nagging and threatening as they tend to switch off.
Your older son has just started high school and is dealing with a curriculum "two grades ahead". He probably doesn't know what has hit him, and will need guidance and encouragement as well as support to help him find his feet. It is important to talk to your son about how he is feeling about his new school and grade 8. He may be feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and not happy about his school or the curriculum he is faced with, despite what the aptitude test shows. Children who are feeling pressurised can often under perform because of the stress. It is important for him to express what he wants and what his dreams for the future are. He has just learnt one of the most important lessons in life, that sometimes we fail, but that doesn't mean we are a failure, and we can now learn from our failure, and move forward to success. Let him know that you understand what he is going through and that you would like to help him devise a plan for the new term. Offer him help and resources if he needs them. Do not assume that because he has just completed a study skills course he knows how to apply the skills he learnt to his study material, he may need help with this. I would also recommend you ask the school to be involved in devising a plan for the new term.
Some boys love to play rough games, it is a way for them to express themselves and will even endure a few knocks and bruises for the pleasure it gives them. I would not deny them this pleasure, provided they both enjoy it. I do however, understand your concern for your younger son, and that their rough play has to be monitored. I would encourage them to have a code or word, the younger child can shout out which means stop this is getting too rough. Also ensure that your older son has an outlet for his anger and frustrations, so that he does not inadvertently take out his frustrations on his brother. Encourage them to play games like cricket and soccer which are less rough, but allows them to release some energy.
Dear Claire
Thank you so much for your advice. I now understand the necessity of rough play and will follow your suggestions. I've put into action your suggestions with regards to my youngest son and am getting good results already. I have tried to talk to my eldest son again, but as in the past he insists he doesn't like school and won't give me his commitment to study for exams and tests.He will however commit to doing his homework. I know he doesn't like school as he has had some bad experiences in pre school and grade 1. Also, in Grd 6 he just refused to go to school and cried heart brokenly when I tried to make him go. I did get him to see the school psychologist who also got another psychologist to see him and he was diagnosed with school phobia. She told me he feels safe in his home environment around the people he knows but outside there could be danger lurking.. The advice I got was I have to be more firm with him as he also plays off my feeling "guilty" about his bad experiences in his early schooling. I did follow this advice and things were much better and he was happy in Grd 7.
I do not know how to approach the studying part anymore and am going to see his teachers next week. I would like your advice again, if you don't mind? He also wants to quit school when it is legal at the end of Grd9 and go to work if I wont allow him to just play tennis. I've explained to him , it will be very difficult to find a job with only a Grd 9. With regards to the tennis, he does play well but misses a lot of lessons, part my fault, part him being sick. It is clear he stands a future in a tennis career, I would consider letting him concentrate on his tennis but he would have to finish Grd 10,11 and 12 through correspondence)and he has to show me he can which he is not doing. How would I get around this ? I feel I'm losing it when I talk to him because he contradicts himself all the time. Would it be okay if I laid down the conditions in brackets and left it up to him to prove that he is capable of doing it? And if he doesn't, how do I get him to study?,can I force him to stay for the homework and help classes at school? I know if I do that he will be very unhappy which I really do not want but I feel he leaves me no choice.
I do realise that I feel I've failed as a mother when my children do not live up to my expectations but I also know deep down that I've tried to be the best I know how which might not always have been the right way. I have known for years that I should be doing something for myself but every time I take a job I resign after a couple of months because I do not like not being there for them. My eldest son also gets very upset as he wants me to be there for him in the afternoon.The youngest doesn't really mind whether I'm there or not as long as his big brother is! I will definitely start my home based business that I've been wanting to do and try not to feel guilty if I'm not there 24/7 for them.
Thank you once again.
Thank you for your email. I am glad my advice is helping.
Your eldest son needs a lot of compassion right now rather than a tougher approach. As far as I am concerned if a child is extremely upset at school he should not be forced to continue at that school. I sense that he is finding the curriculum too demanding and so is giving up. Instead of allowing him to quit school in grade 9, rather look at other options that may be more suitable for him. He has already shown a passion and talent for tennis and that should be nurtured especially if he enjoys it. You may want to consider a school that has a strong tennis team. Another alternative may be to consider home schooling, with a tutor if necessary, which would allow him to spend more time on his tennis. When someone is passionate about what they are doing they tend to be successful and as you stated: "It is clear he stands a future in a tennis career."
Try and sit with him and write down a plan together for his future. Ideally it should include him getting his matric, and being able to play as much tennis as possible. He is obviously not an academic student and therefore is definitely not suitable for the "London Cambridge Curriculum which is 2 grades ahead." I do believe when he is in the environment best suited to him he will be extremely successful and may even be a world class tennis player one day. Nurture his passion and let him meet successful tennis players who also completed their education so they can become role models to him. Remember there are many successful people out there who never did particularly well at school.
Good luck with your home based business. Let me know how you are all doing.