Dear Claire I really hope that you can help me, because I feel like a failure when it comes to my 7 year old son! He has just started Grade 1, and has no interest in doing homework. He doesn't listen to instructions, and fidgets all the time. Last year he was in Grade R, and did really well. His report was always good, but he seems to "not care" about learning anymore. I am a working mom and we only get home at about 17h30 in the afternoons and then we need to do homework before dinner and bath time. When we get home I immediately ask him to get out his homework book so we can begin. I don’t allow a play time as he is in an aftercare centre and plays the whole afternoon, before he is picked up. When we begin, and I have explained what he needs to do, his response is "I can't". I have tried to be positive and tell him that he can do anything he sets his mind to, I praise him when he has done something well, but after listening to him say I can't all the time without even trying, I have no more patience and the homework session becomes a battle ground, leaving him and me both very upset and irritable, and accomplishing nothing. I have tried various types of discipline but again nothing seems to work, a smack, a "time out", no play time, so many things. He always has an answer and believes he knows better, and on top of that if he doesn’t get his way, he sulks or has a temper tantrum. It takes forever for him to carry out simple instructions like, brush your teeth, pick up your toys, and this is only after a shouting match, and being threatened with some form of punishment. Please help I am at my wits end! I love my son dearly and only expect that he does things to the best of his ability, but I cannot accept that he won't try before giving up, or bad behaviour. He is very stubborn and strong willed and it feels as though I am constantly in a power struggle with him. What can I do?

Thank you for your email. I understand how frustrated you are feeling.Your son is still young and is probably feeling tired after a long day at school and aftercare, and just doesn't have the energy to do more work, that is why he says he "can't". He is also still adjusting to the new school year after a long holiday so he needs patience and understanding.Disciplining him when he is tired is only going to make the situation worse. It will not help to create a strong, loving bond between the two of you, at a time when he really needs to be close to you, after being separated all day. In grade 1 homework is not important and should only take 10-15 minutes to complete. It should consist mainly of reading. Either you reading to him, or reading together, or him reading words and simple sentences to you, depending on which programme the school is following.I would recommend you try a different approach when you get home from work. The most important thing your son needs when you get home is to bond and attach to you in a fun, relaxed way. Try doing something you both enjoy before you start with his bed time routine. For example I would suggest: 17h30- 18h00 is relaxing time. Chat about his day in a non-judgmental way, connect and cuddle. Play a game if you have the energy; 18h00-19h00 is dinner and bath time followed by 10mins of homework in an informal fun way. By all means help him, especially if he is tired. Story, brush teeth, and bed time by 19h30/ 20h00 at the latest.   If your son is too tired to do his homework in the evening, chat to his teacher and explain your situation. Ask her for guidelines in assisting you. Also find out if it is possible for someone at aftercare to help him with his homework. Most aftercare centres will assist with homework, as ideally it should be done in the afternoon.I would also recommend that you don't expect too much from him in the evening in terms of cleaning up, and completing chores, as he is tired, and he has had someone tell him what to do all day long. Children are usually willing to do chores if they can do it with their parents.Try tidying up together.   Establish a routine like the one I outlined above, that includes relaxation and fun together. Routines make children feel safe and secure as they can predict what is expected of them.   Good luck! Let me know how you are both doing.