Morning, I have  8 year old twins that seem to be way behind track in their development. Speech is not well constructed. They speak in opposites: when they want to say open the door they will say close the door or switch on when meaning switch off. The other one still uses baby words in her vocabulary. When we try and correct her she can’t say the right word. Comprehending things is such a mission, they can’t remember a lot of the things learnt. I think they still behave like two-year-olds. They still have difficulty in dressing themselves even though I’ve been teaching them since they were three. The most frustrating part of this is that they are struggling at school ( are in grade 2 ). I am drained of patience. When she finishes a 4 letter sentence and immediately I ask her to read it again she won’t get one word correct. The one thing confusing me is that one day they seem to understand what they are doing and follow it and the next they are back to square one. Helping them do homework is very frustrating. How do I help and maintain my cool.  Remember I wrote to you about them some time ago, the twin that was always teased by the other now adamantly refuses to wear anything that’s identical to her twin because “she is tired of being a twin and this is not her sister”. I’ve always bought them identical clothes but was never bothered on how they wear them, so when this started Iwasn't concerned, but now realise it’s serious. She would rather go and change if the other twin wears something that looks like hers, even if we are late and I tell her  it’s ok, she‘ll cry and insist on changing the WHOLE attire. Their school uniform has a dress, skirt and pants and she decided she’ll wear ONLY the pants since the other twin doesn’t like them just to be different. I have talked to her about this and she doesn’t tell me why she hates wearing the same clothes as her sister.   I’ve really tried talking to the twin that’s always teasing the other one and when we talk she’ll cry and apologise but goes back to doing it again. When at church or anywhere else she makes sure that the popular kids don’t play with her sister so she’s always running after them begging them to play with her(teased twin) and eventually gives up and comes to sit either with me or alone and watches them play. She is still laughed at by the other twin when she gets something wrong at school that the other got right and daddy still laughs about this telling the the other twin what a baby she is. For the first time in their life the other day, they agreed to separate. Their father came to get them on the weekend and the teasing twin agreed to go with daddy. I remained with the other and she only cried for her twin at bedtime. When the other came back she did not even greet her. When I asked why she is not greeting her sister she said she did not miss her and she hates her. This hurt me badly while daddy laughed. How do I make him see that he is fuelling this animosity between them?   They’ve become so stubborn these days convincing them to do something that they do not want is so difficult and frustrating. There is nothing that they can start doing without a fight, waking up , bathing( out of the blue she can just stand by the bath tub in the morning and say she’s not bathing),eating or doing  homework. I am really tired of fighting and convincing.

Dear Frustrated Mom Thank you for your email. I hear how tired and frustrated you are feeling.   You have a lot on your hands and trying to do everything yourself is making you feel like you want to lose it. It is important to surround yourself with help both professional, and from family and friends so you can meet your twins’ needs as well as have time out for yourself.   As it appears your children are developmentally “behind track” and are struggling at school, I would recommend you have a full assessment done by a professional educational psychologist who will be able to recommend therapies and remedial schools if necessary. All educational psychologists are registered with the medical council and you should be able to claim the costs from your medical aid. If you have not had your children’s sight and hearing tested then do so as well. Your children’s school should be able to help you with referrals.   Your one daughter is trying to establish her own identity and is doing this by rejecting her sister and anything that identifies her as a twin. It is important to meet her need to be seen as an individual, especially with regards to her clothing, and focus on her talents and what makes her unique. Try to give her her own space by dividing their room with a curtain or furniture or giving each girl their own room.  Let each daughter decorate their own space and let them choose their own clothes, preferably shopping with each twin alone.   It is imperative that you implement a no bullying (teasing) policy in your home and adopt a firm no tolerance attitude to any bullying (teasing). Meet with your children and explain that from now on there will be no more bullying in your home and family as that is not something your family does and that if there is bullying she will have to sit and explain to you why she behaved that way. So when she will not allow her sister to play at church she does not get to play, she gets to sit with you and explain why she will not allow her sister to play, how she feels, how her sister feels and how she plans to change her behaviour towards her sister. You may have to implement this strategy with your children’s father as well, or show him this email. Keep focusing on empathy with both your children until they begin to see how their behaviours impact others.   It is absolutely unacceptable for a father to be teasing and belittling his child and it is considered emotional abuse. It may be pertinent to research cases of children who have been bullied to such an extent that they have taken their own life to understand the severity of this type of abuse. Your daughter’s self esteem will be negatively affected by her father putting her down and he is setting her up to turn to other men for love and approval as she grows older.       By all means allow the girls to visit with dad separately but set up a timetable so they see it is fair and are receiving equal time with dad. Arrange something special to do with you other twin while you are alone.   With regards to bathing, dressing, and doing homework it is important to give your daughters choices and let them have control over these things. One twin may decide to bath at night while the other may choose to bath in the morning. If they go a day or two without bathing it doesn’t matter. One twin may decide to do homework straight after school while the other may prefer doing it after supper and so on. It will help relieve the animosity between them somewhat if they are not doing things together where the temptation to compete and compare is strong.   Your children’s behaviour is not personally directed at you, and it may be  beneficial for you to chat to a counsellor, religious leader about your hurt feelings. Also, arrange an hour or two away from the girls on the weekends while someone you trust, such as granny watches them while you do something that brings you joy and gives you energy so you are refuelled to give to your children.   Good luck. Let me know how you all are doing.