Hi I have a 6½ yr old son and a nearly 5 yr old daughter.  My partner is a “commuting dad” and therefore away most of the time – on average he is back for a weekend then away for 10 days before returning for the next weekend.   I am really struggling with doing it all. I used to be such a patient person but now I am always one step away from losing it and shouting at the kids.  They’re not perfect but they deserve to be disciplined in a more controlled and less stressful way. I really don’t enjoy being a parent – it just seems non-stop running around after their every need, stopping the fighting, stopping the naughty behaviour, reminding them continually of the same things i.e. put your shoes away, don’t talk when you are eating, and don’t even start me on the “leaving the house and getting into the car” performance.  When I ask them what are the things I say all the time, they can pretty much repeat all of the phrases – so why don’t they do it?   I don’t feel respected or appreciated.  Is it really this hard or am I missing a trick somewhere?    When everyone is behaving well and playing nicely, all goes well but the minute something goes wrong, everything spirals into a stressed out, cross family.   How do I tame my stressed out temper and deal with things in a more positive way, and move on from the incident quickly so we can be a happy family once more?   Looking for a miracle

Thank you for your email. I hear how stressed you are feeling. One of the main causes of stress we experience  as mothers is trying to do it all without asking for help or taking time out for ourselves.” It takes a village to raise a child,” is a profound saying that has been lost in the breakup of the extended family, but which provides some valuable advice. Turn to your community, friends, relatives to help you out. In order to be able to meet your children’s needs you need to nurture their mother. Begin by setting an hour aside each day to do something that you enjoy which gives you energy. Ask a friend, relative, neighbour you trust to watch the children, or employ a babysitter for an hour, so you can have that much needed time for yourself. It may also be beneficial to have a general check up done by your doctor, including blood tests to ensure your hormones are in balance and you are not  lacking any nutrients. Having children can totally deplete a woman’s system as well as upset her hormones resulting in feelings of exhaustion and irritability. It is important to chat to your children about their feelings when you are calm. Try to listen to them without passing judgement.  You may find that dad being away for long periods of time could be stressing out your son. It is also important to mediate for the children when they are fighting, trying to establish the underlying feelings behind their behaviour, rather than focusing on disciplining  them. Be creative  and experiment with  different  ways to manage your children. For example; children love doing things with their parents so ask them to help you tidy up, and only do it once a day instead of nagging them all day to tidy up which only wears you down.  Try to embrace that a little untidiness and mess never harmed anyone and if possible restrict it to one room of the house. Use a timer to see who can tidy up the fastest. Turning a chore into a game makes the activity fun for children. Let the children help you prepare meals and decorate their plates Children love to bake and cook. Keep meals simple. Children also love to help with loading the washing machine and washing dishes, both are activities which you could turn into fun games. The children could be picking up on your stress in the morning and therefore resistant to getting into the car. Try to be as calm as possible and think of fun  things you could do in the car to get them in to it.  Ask them for ideas that will help them get ready and in the car faster in the morning. Children are very creative and giving them some control and choices over what they would like will make them more interested in cooperating.  For example; they could each have a day where they choose CDs including stories to listen to in the car. They could have a special drink such as hot chocolate for the drive. Let them bring their favourite toy to play with in the car, and if you have a DVD player in the car, let them watch their favourite DVD. Also, think of games you can play using number plates, colours and places along the way   Your children are also old enough that you can appeal to them for help. Tell them how important it is for you to get to work, shops on time and you really need them to help you, especially as dad is away. Say something such as, “You are so big now that I think you can read the clock in the kitchen and be in the car by 7:30am. Do you think you’ll be able to do this? Could I put a small clock in your room to help you?” Ensure each child has their own space in the house that they can decorate and where they can go when they are upset. Teaching children to take time out when they are feeling frustrated and upset can help them not to take it out on their sibling. When you notice they are becoming frustrated,  change the game, put on some rock music and get them to dance with you or take everyone out for a walk. Watching an educational programme on T.V. or DVD can help to calm them down as well as reading to them or singing with them. When things are going well and the children are cooperative, make a point of thanking them and telling them how proud you are of them. While I haven’t given you a miracle, I hope I have inspired you to try doing things differently with your children and in doing so find that parenting can be fun and children are a source of joy. Let me know how you are doing.