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Talking to boys about SEX
Question

Dear Claire

Thank you very much for a most needed website for parents. There are always questions and as parents we don’t know who to turn to. Thank you.

I really need some advise. My son just turned 10. I have always been open with him about sex. Always answering his age related questions. When I got home last week my brother’s girlfriend (who is 17) informed me that he had spoken to her about sex and was asking questions and also had his first (don’t know if it is called an orgasm or ejaculation). Well it had happened.

I did speak to him and told him not to speak to anybody about it except me, and that I have always answered his questions and he knows that he can be open with me. He was  never shy of asking or telling me anything in the past. I cannot understand why he decided to speak to her. I did ask him why he did not come to mommy or daddy as I don’t want people giving  him wrong information. He did not have an answer for me. I now want to know – is 9 (when it happened) a right age or not? I bought a book for teenagers explaining everything from hygiene to what happens to a boy and a girl as they grow up and how to be safe in the future etc. Is it now the time to give him this book or should I wait.

I really did not expect this to happen soooooo soon. He just turned 10 a week ago. Please whatever advice you can give me and maybe also inform me of what else I can expect or what to look out for as I don’t want him to get the wrong idea about his body and sex – I THINK I NEED IT NOW MORE THAN EVER.

Question

Question

Thank you for your email and very kind words about my site.

I understand you are disappointed that your son didn't come to you with his questions. It is not always easy for children to ask their parents sex related questions and therefore as parents we need to be talking about sex to our children, even if they don't ask us. Bring up topics in the car when you drive if you find sitting down with your child awkward. I will be posting an article on how to talk to your children about sex soon. Research shows that children who learn about sex from their parents are less likely to engage in high risk behaviour and are more likely to abstain from sex until they are older. So information is power. 

Most children turn to their friends or older siblings to answer their questions as they fear their parents reaction, and because they are afraid their parents will think that their questions mean they are interested in having sex when in fact they just want information. I would not recommend that you prevent your son from asking questions from your brother's girlfriend, especially if he feels comfortable talking to her and you are able to discuss with her what was said. It is important though to give him accurate information so you could say something like: "I believe you spoke to .... about ejaculation and I just wanted to ensure that you have all the correct facts. It is normal for boys your age to begin having ejaculations. Sometimes they happen when you are sleeping and we call them wet dreams. This is nothing to be embarrassed about and it shows that your body is healthy and developing normally." You could then explain why it happens and the role ejaculation plays in creating a baby.

Congratulations on being open about talking about sex with your children and 10 years of age is not too young to give him the book. Although I would recommend reading through it with him and discussing the changes he is or will be experiencing .

Moving forward you need to talk to him about:

Respecting women and treating them well

Respecting the word NO

Having safe sex and sexually transmitted diseases

Sexual pleasure and self stimulation as an alternative to sex

Sex creates babies and the cost and responsibility of having a baby at a young age

Sex, the internet and cell phones

The importance of a loving relationship, and making wise choices.

It is not necessary to give him all the information at once but rather find opportunities while watching television or in everyday life to teach him about sex as well as about values and responsibility.

In a couple of years you will need to give him more specific information about oral & anal sex, pornography and sexual abuse, gay and lesbian relationships and so on. Always find out what he knows on the topic already and then ensure you give him accurate information.       

Keep up the good work.

 
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